Random Phrases, Unintended Humor

October 11, 2008 at 11:42 pm (Damn funny, Entertainment, General) (, , , , , )

Friday night, September 26th, a whole wad of friends and family gathered at a local Newport Bay restaurant to celebrate my sister’s 50th birthday. And, as a part of a recent tradition, I kept notes of some of the more… interesting… random phrases spoken by those gathered around the table.

Without further ado, I present the randomness below, in chronological order of utterance. Anonymity has been maintained, to protect the guilty. Hope you enjoy!

Whoo hoo! I have a new bank!
Pongo has a growth on his thyroid.
Digital computing.

You went to Ulta!
I’ve spent hours fighting on the phone with AMR.
Liquid Castille soap.

He was released this morning…

I still whip mine out every now and then.

Typical brother.

It’s amazing what you can do from Dollar Tree.

Payback is a bitch.
I like ’em all.
What was the question? Was there a question?

She was trying to think of a place in New York.
And I said “the Eiffel Tower”, then “the Sears Tower”.
All that stuff is in Las Vegas. At 1/4 scale.
I think you need to go see a therapist, and get some drugs.
That’s not hard – it’s called Jack Daniels.

Hey! You’re violating our freedom of speech.
I like to go to Honolulu… just long enough to go shopping.
Just one more thing!
Too much information – all the time. That’s my news channel.
Yeah, I like TMI. Those are good call letters – KTMI.
I want to be you. But just for Saturday and Sunday.
I’m just dipping. STOP IT!
As long as you don’t skinny dip, or double dip.
I know what double dipping is, but what’s skinny dipping? Using your finger, and licking it off?
Can I help you spell Zihuatanejo?
Nah, I’ll look it up later on Google.
She’s your favorite DJ client.
Oh, great. I have to be quiet tonight.
Is there still stuff in that bowl?
She said she has a headache. Better show her your book.
Oh yeah, I have that book. It’s empty. I wrote a lot in mine. It makes a good diary.
It’s a really good notebook. Stick it by the phone.
Now I know why you switch to the girl’s part, right in the middle.
We didn’t tell you everything we did on that cruise, Jon. You think we’re morons?
Tell Diane what Brandon did – he didn’t go to trial!
There was about 12 people’s names on there that I knew.
I’m paying. After all, I invited everyone.
Now he tells us, after we ordered.
You guys wanna see me in my underwear?
I can’t chew all this.
A brandy margarita? That sounds disgusting.
I found lots of stuff I didn’t like.
Diane’s sucking too hard.
It looks like she’s drinking an aquarium. Koi pond?
I’ll kiss somebody.
It could be worse. If I stop having birthdays altogether, that’s worse.
A simple valve job will fix that.
You’ve been talking about me, and I haven’t been listening?
Let me know if he’s coming or not – if he is, I’ll bow out.
(The speaker was referring to me, perhaps a little unjustly.)
Write that in there – you’re fired!
It does taste like grass.
That makes me feel much better.
All you need is a mirror and binoculars.
You don’t want to go to a truck stop?
I just haven’t gotten into it.
I think we’re all too damn sensitive these days.
I can’t believe you said that!
My mom says I shouldn’t say the word “fuck”.
The joke’s on her; she thinks she’s going to a spa.
I’m gettin’ in it!
Naked? It feels really good. There you have it!
Maybe she should come along.
Just write down what you want. A wish list. Maybe I can figure it out.
Kama Sutra for over-fifties… (snore)
I just want the massage part. I don’t want the other part.
The only part of me that’s working right is – my colon.
That’s because you’re full of shit.
We were IM’ing about our colonoscopies.
Right up his alley.
I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
You have to sit on your hand when you do that?
You look so masculine when you stretch like that. All the flab goes away.
He’ll blog it on his web site.
She doesn’t eat anything white, remember?
Oh my God, what’s coming out of it?
Get one to go – we’ll eat it later.
Throwing his money around…
Well, he did marry you.
I have to give her the money back? Cancel the party! I never post the check until after the event’s over, in case something happens. Like that.
I didn’t make an “X” on the calendar yesterday, so I guess I didn’t take my pills today!
Where do you get one? I want one!
I think I’m pregnant.
Did I show you my stool sample?
What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls, and a truckload of dead babies?

And there you have it. Feel free to post a comment, if you care to.

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